Pretending

I felt a deep shame about what he did to me. I was humiliated.  I didn’t want any of my family to know, and I didn’t reach out to any of my friends.  I had been through this many times with my ex-husband, and I didn’t want anyone to know that I had failed at choosing a partner again.  I should have known better, and I most certainly should know better than to stay with the no-good cheater.  My heart didn’t want to let go.  It didn’t want to let go of him, but it also didn’t want to let go of the pain and entitlement I felt from being victimized.  I was trapped between two worlds. Shame kept me from acting.  I only reacted, and pretended.  I pretended everything was joyous as I watched the birth of my granddaughter hours after finding out about his “mistake”.  I pretended to not be a complete chaotic mess as we held a birthday party for his son with all of my family and his judgmental, hypcritical mother in attendance a few days after that.  I pretended at work and at home with the children.  I did everything I could to make it through the days without having a complete breakdown.  I accomplished what I had to, but many things began to slide.  I lost the ability to enjoy my life.  It became all about survival.  Everyone suffered the consequence of my struggle.

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