And Now……..

It has been just over a month since we have been broken up.  I initiated the break up after more heartache and chaos.  I have had many moments of loneliness, depression and fear that I will never find love again, or that if I do I will choose someone who will hurt me and cheat on me again.  I have moments of weakness. I contact him still. I still have hope that someday we can have a happy faithful love like what I thought it was in the beginning.  Just one week after the break up I let him convince me that he missed me and still cared.  I went to his apartment and we were intimate.  He had told me he had been with another person since we broke up.  He made it out to seem like a one time thing. What I didn’t know was that he had been with two girls, and was seeing one of them.  That night he spent the night with her. He completely quit talking to me.  I was devastated that he had used me and led me to believe he still cared. I had thought that it, that I, meant something to him. After six years and a whole life planned together he had already replaced me with another girl.  I’m guessing she has no idea about that incident with me, and probably not about the other girl he was with either days before or while he was with her as well.  This was eye-opening to me to see that he really does not care who he hurts. It also shows me just how codependent I am.  Why do I still love this person who clearly does not respect me, women in general or himself.  Why do I need him to want me, to love me.  Why can’t I let go?  Why do I feel that enduring the pain that he causes me is less tragic than the pain of being without him? I have been doing some deep soul-searching, and shadow work to understand why. I still haven’t gotten over him, and I still love him.I still have fantasies of the fairytale ending where he is in love with me and faithful til the end, but I understand now that the chances of that becoming reality are very slim, and I am embarking on a journey of healing myself.

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The End as We Know It.

The story of our relationship and his betrayal did not end there.  While I did kick him out of my house we continued to have a relationship and try to make things work.  We had good times and bad times, but the fact that I held deep resentment and mistrust for him always permeated every interaction.  The fighting was pervasive, and my codependent behaviors consumed me.  We went through a cycle of me hating him and wanting nothing to do with him, and him wanting to end things and me begging him to give us a chance.  The problems with his drinking never ended.  He continued to message, search and flirt with girls.  He repeatedly disappeared and lied about where he was.  I tracked him, called and texted repeatedly and begged him to love me and to want a healthy relationship.   My depression and sickness became worse, as well as his alcohol use.

Then this January he planned a trip to Las Vegas to visit his mom.  I knew it would be the end.  Vising his mom really means that his son stays with his mom while he spend all night out partying.  I begged him not to go.  I told him that I knew it would be the end.  he went.

While there he at first assured me that he was not doing anything for me to worry about, but soon began to avoid talking to me and completely ignoring my phone calls.  I was tracking what he was doing on his google maps which I had been doing since the last time he cheated on me.  yes, he was aware of this.  The last night of his trip after completely cutting me out, he turned of his location.

When he returned all hell broke loose for a few days.  I was so hurt and angry.  He apologized and insisted that he did not cheat on me or talk to any women.  He wanted to recommit and start fresh.  I decided to do this and things felt better for a couple of days, until, one day when he was asleep, I looked though his messages to his mom during his trip.  A message from his mom asked where he was, that she was worried, and his response was he had met a woman.

My heart sank and my blood was on fire. “What the hell is this?” I yelled at him.  At first he told me he had been talking to a woman on the bus and she gave him her number.  I knew that this couldn’t be true.  Why would that keep him out so late his mother would worry.  why if it was just a casual encounter, would he even mention it to his mother.  Then after hours of lies, he admitted he had picked up a lady at the bar, and cheated on me again.

F@$&.  All of my dreams were shattered again.  I had spent six years planning a future, a marriage, a life with this man who I was so in love with and he had hurt me again.