And Now……..

It has been just over a month since we have been broken up.  I initiated the break up after more heartache and chaos.  I have had many moments of loneliness, depression and fear that I will never find love again, or that if I do I will choose someone who will hurt me and cheat on me again.  I have moments of weakness. I contact him still. I still have hope that someday we can have a happy faithful love like what I thought it was in the beginning.  Just one week after the break up I let him convince me that he missed me and still cared.  I went to his apartment and we were intimate.  He had told me he had been with another person since we broke up.  He made it out to seem like a one time thing. What I didn’t know was that he had been with two girls, and was seeing one of them.  That night he spent the night with her. He completely quit talking to me.  I was devastated that he had used me and led me to believe he still cared. I had thought that it, that I, meant something to him. After six years and a whole life planned together he had already replaced me with another girl.  I’m guessing she has no idea about that incident with me, and probably not about the other girl he was with either days before or while he was with her as well.  This was eye-opening to me to see that he really does not care who he hurts. It also shows me just how codependent I am.  Why do I still love this person who clearly does not respect me, women in general or himself.  Why do I need him to want me, to love me.  Why can’t I let go?  Why do I feel that enduring the pain that he causes me is less tragic than the pain of being without him? I have been doing some deep soul-searching, and shadow work to understand why. I still haven’t gotten over him, and I still love him.I still have fantasies of the fairytale ending where he is in love with me and faithful til the end, but I understand now that the chances of that becoming reality are very slim, and I am embarking on a journey of healing myself.